Have you ever wondered why life is the way it is? Why things happen the way they happen? What is the reason you meet certain people? How others impact your life: your actions, your thoughts, you as a person? Did you ever once want to just break free from all that you do and are and fly away? For the last month my life has been one crazy rollercoaster twist and dip after another, and as I was driving in my car tonight I just decided that I wanted to breakaway from it all and escape! That would be the irresponsible reaction but it would feel great. I just want to breakaway from all the chaos and go to my happy place--find my own Neverland. The chaos of school, people, living--evolution. It's like I'm sitting in a room and everything is moving so fast around me in all sorts of directions. I'm grappling for some sort of support before the dizziness overwhelms me. I reach out for something but my hand finds nothing--pure air.
It's hard living like that. My rollercoaster of life seems to have gone up the scale of intensity this last month and a week. (There's something crazy in the air here in Provo.) After a twist on my rollercoaster, I hit a little plateau. And I think I've got everything together until all of a sudden the wind is knocked out of me by the sudden drop which takes me to another tight twist on the ride. Not only is everything passing by so fast but the g-forces are making me dizzy and I'm loosing the ability to register that which is around me!
As of late I have found solace in my cello. It's brought me great comfort to passionately pull my bow and deep cello tones come to my ears. The cello is a beautiful instrument, and I love the deep depth of it. My roommate actually came out the other day and asked if I had heard the cello playing somewhere in our complex. Yes, I heard it! - and it filled my soul with peace.
As of late I have also found solace in the exertion of running. When all I have to think about and do is remember to breath. Focus on the exertion, and the effort. And feel the pain and stretch my muscles. I love it.
As of late I have also found solace in the library. Going and finding some well-hidden nook to hole up in for hours as I grapple to wrap my hands around these assignments of mine. Assignments - wow, the term is almost done and I still feel as if I've barely begun. My mind is whirling.
Today, I wanted to throw myself in my car and escape to some paradise. Lay on the beach, soak up a load of uv rays, and just exist. That would have been so nice. But that is not what happened. Instead I found myself at the South Branch Library hidden away from the world trying to grasp my research paper.
I need to go on a spontaneous adventure! Not knowing before hand what is going to happen or where I am going. Just go and do and be. Explode with enthusiasm for life. Reach out into the world somehow. Find my nook (not in some hole in a library) but in Life. Be a solid footing in the grand scheme of things. Understand what it seems others understand with ease. Reach out and mark myself on the world somehow.
Anyways those are my thoughts and I send them out.